Old Men Jokes
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.”
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old
now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How
do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red
and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it
down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. “Where’s my toast?”
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re
Do I know her?”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s
“Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke
to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mama and be
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur;
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”