If Santa answered his mail honestly…
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
You’re parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to
your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re
awake, like in the song?
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom